A large body of research suggests that at least eight hours of relationship education services provide some consistent positive effects on marital and relational health. How you deliver that content depends largely on the cultural, economic, behavioral, and familial dynamics of your members. 

Ask yourself: 

• Are people willing to meet once a week for an hour or two each session? 
• Are weeknights or weekends preferable? 
• Would a one-time weekend retreat that allows couples to get away and stay focused work be best – or is a recurring series of shorter sessions preferable? 
• Will your workshops be set up in a traditional classroom-style format with an instructor presenting in front of the room or will you break the room into small groups to facilitate more intimate conversations among people?
•  Will you deliver the program through a fun “Date Night” format with a nice meal and ambiance provided?

Simple Case Study

Consider a church located near a college or university. 

Its weekly membership is made up of a mix of mostly younger, unmarried individuals and couples from other states who will likely move out of town after graduation. In this case, launching your new full-circle relationship ministry with offerings in the area of “marital enrichment” would fall on deaf ears. 

Rather, the church should select an array fun events, skills-based workshops, small groups sessions from the “Singles & Healthy Dating” section of Communio’s Content Catalog that cater to the specific needs of young unmarried singles or “seriously dating.”  

Then, think through the cadence of events and time frames that work best for the community. Most college students are not early risers, so attendance at morning workshops would likely be sparse. The same goes for Friday or Saturday night workshops (unless you are planning a fun night out infused with healthy relationship messaging and experiences). 

In the end, get a sense of the weekly schedule of audience you wish to serve and develop a cadence of programing to ensure they have ample opportunities to receive the recommended eight-hour minimum “dosage” of relationship education. 

Couples’ Homework – Good or Bad Idea?

Another aspect closely tied to format is whether you assign and expect couples to complete homework. There is little doubt that when participants complete homework and discuss it as a group, results are stronger. However, carefully consider the culture and the economic status of the community you serve. 

For instance, residents of poorer or more working-class communities may have certain job-related and financial constraints that middle or upper-middle-class populations do not face.

The fact is poorer communities face greater risk of family instability and arguably need your relationship ministry more than anyone. It would be a shame if your program format inadvertently put up unnecessary barriers to entry for couples who need the most help. No matter who you serve, consider if they will work on the things you ask them to try in between sessions. 

If you believe or find that most people just will not do homework, it may be better not to assign any. This way, it does not build small opportunities for failure or contention between spouses. If you plan time well, anything you think could be meaningfully done as homework can be meaningfully done in the sessions, especially in formats allowing more total time of contact.

Without question, fostering relationships that are physically and emotionally safe should be a pre-eminent goal of a relationship ministry. Keep a close eye on relationships that show signs of domestic abuse or victimization. If you are approached by either partner or made aware third hand of serious abuse taking place within a relationship, contact the local authorities immediately.

But, in our experience, serious instances of victimization are rare among those who are voluntarily interested and self-motivated to improve their relationship through your ministry.

However, you will be surprised to learn how many couples report some form of physical abuse or aggression in research surveys conducted on these issues. 

Extreme Victimization vs Arguments that Get Physical

Researchers on issues of domestic violence make a distinction between “extreme victimization” by one partner over another and “arguments that get physical.” The latter often stems from a couples’ inability to manage conflict, cope with anger, or control negative emotions well. These arguments often spill over into pushing, shoving, and throwing things and are most prevalent in younger or recently married couples.

All aggression in relationships is wrong. And, while a pattern of arguments that get physical can be quite dangerous, this pattern is distinct from relationships where one partner uses fear to dominate and control the other. 

Next Steps 

You may consider conducting some form of initial screening to identify abuse among your participants. 

Expert practitioners and researchers in the field of couples’ relationship education DO NOT recommend this practice for three key reasons:

• First, even if you had the resources to conduct a screening process that perfectly identified people with any history of aggression, research indicates that you could screen out many participants who could be interested, and whom you could help.

• Second, if you attempt to screen out couples with some history of aggression in their relationship, those who are interested in your services will know when you are asking questions that could potentially disqualify them from participation. As a result, they will likely deny any history of such behavior, increasing the likelihood important issues will not come to light during the course of your sessions. You will have inadvertently prevented an opportunity for a couple to learn coping skills that could help them to change.

• Third, there is already a lack of services available for couples who struggle with arguments that get physical. You want to avoid any measures, no matter how well-intentioned, that make it harder for people to get the skills they need to improve their relationship. For many couples, your relationship education service will be the gateway to learning skills or even getting connected with other services that can more specifically address their problems. One leading expert in this field drives this point home well — “if a couple seeks your services, that ‘room’ may not be the perfect room for them, given any number of issues and relationship dynamics, but it was the room they could get themselves into.”

A common best practice is to simply provide everyone attending—either in a welcome packet or on each seat—a standard form listing common areas of need that fall outside your scope of work or knowledge. These could include substance abuse treatment, economic or financial instability, mental health problems, or serious aggression and/or domestic violence. 

National Resources

For starters, include the following national hotline numbers and resources on your handouts:

• A national domestic violence hotline: SAFELINE 1-800-799-7233
• A national website with links for help with substance abuse and mental health issues: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline 
• A national hotline for referrals to substance abuse treatment: 1-800-662-HELP
• A national hotline for suicide prevention: National Hopeline Network 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)

Also, we strongly recommend you find local counselors, community centers, family physicians, or clergy and other church leaders with specific knowledge in these fields. Clearly list their phone numbers, locations, and other contact information.

In the end, relationship safety and issues of abuse are very delicate topics. You’ll want to tread carefully here so as not to stigmatize certain participants. A blanket approach for disseminating resources is effective. You will ensure people understand that everyone is receiving the same information. No one is being labeled or singled out and everyone ultimately leaves the workshop with information that they came in with.

If you are running a multi-week format, where couples are encouraged to attend a series of sessions, you should consider developing incentives and strategies that make it easier or motivate people to come back.

Here are a few examples: 

• Offer a date night out with free childcare for those who attend all your sessions. 
• Hold a couples’ experience for those who complete the entire course. These can be a church-sponsored formal or simply a nice dinner evening at the pastor’s home. 
• Gift card to a local restaurant of their choice. Offer free childcare services on site or even babysitting services for participants with young kids already sleeping at home.
• Gift cards for stores that are frequently used by your participants. For some lower-income couples, a gift card for gasoline or cab fare can make the difference between them getting there or not. Oftentimes, what then could be considered an incentive is merely helping reduce serious barriers to participation. 

However, we cannot stress enough that the best incentive of all is the quality of your ministry experience. Devote great care and time to making your events and programs relevant and valuable to the people who walk through your doors. If your program or event is built specifically to meet their needs and challenges, people will want to come back for more.  If the experience was enjoyable—perhaps running the program as a date night experience or social activity—it can encourage ongoing participation.  

Still, even in such a setting, it may be worth recognizing or rewarding exceptional attendance.